Ruptures In Relationships

Jul 02, 2021

Having disagreements with other people can be really painful, and there are many different ways it can go. Maybe it’s a surprise that there is a disagreement, but you feel really strong about the situation or circumstance and someone you care about feels different that you do. 

Or, maybe what’s happened is you didn’t reach out to someone, it hurt their feelings, and now they are upset with you. Maybe they give you the cold shoulder. Maybe they are fiery hot angry, and they get in your face. What’s that like for you? How do you mend that type of a rupture in relationship when you care about somebody?

Sometimes these experiences can feel so raw to us that we drop the relationship. We might feel like, “I’m done with that. I’m not putting up with that energy ever again.” That can give us a clue that we have somewhere in our past made a contract that we would never do that again. Because, words like never, always, and forever, let us...

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Do You Like Yourself?

Jun 25, 2021

You know, we all have an automatic voice in our head that tells us how we feel about ourselves. This part of us is known as our Default Mode Network, or DMN. It turns on and starts running anytime we relax and are not focused on doing something. When we are stressed, what it does is worry all the time, and can get on hyper-mode with its worrying. It can get super intrusive, and it gets harder, and harder, to enjoy our life.  

The problem is, when we are stressed, our Default Mode Network thinks that the problem is us. That’s when it’s like a hamster wheel that goes around, and around, and around, and it becomes very, very critical of ourselves. It watches everything we do and analyzes it to prove that we are the problem.  

Well, you know, even though our Default Mode Network is deeply shaped by our unconscious contracts that we hold deep within us, it is possible for our DMN to work really well for us. When it is working well, it very easily learns...

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Do You Feel Made Wrong?

Jun 18, 2021

Today I want to ask you, when do you feel wrong? Maybe you feel wrong to ever be angry, or maybe you feel wrong to feel afraid. Some of us feel wrong when we collapse when we feel helpless. Then, others feel wrong when they experience alarmed aloneness.  

But you know what? You might be surprised to learn that you have a RAGE circuit. Your RAGE circuit is there to help you. Because the RAGE circuit reduces stress and anxiety. It lowers our blood pressure and regulates our nervous system. 

It’s our RAGE circuitry that empowers us to be protective and to advocate for whatever might be needed in the moment. I’ll admit, sometimes RAGE or anger can feel really scary. Maybe you experienced RAGE or anger being aimed at people who have less power, and that can be very frightening. It can even be traumatic.  

If that’s been your experience than I’m wondering, do you need acknowledgment that RAGE isn’t meant to be used against the people...

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I Will Only Make It Worse

Jun 11, 2021

I’ve been contemplating something, and I’m curious, what do you do when you are speaking with someone and they don’t give you a response? They may look at you, but there is no change in their facial expression. Or, maybe they look vacantly off into space, but there is no response. It’s as if you haven’t spoken at all. 

For me, I consider then, what’s going on for this person? Have they been depressed? Are they having a flat affect because the depression has become very severe? Or have they been filled with anxiety, and their system has been flooded with cortisol and adrenaline and they are flat out wiped out.  

But how does this impact your nervous system? What do you do? How do you stay present with the lack of response?  

Well, I’ve been on this journey for a while now, and I have discovered that it is possible to keep showing up in our world. It’s possible to keep showing up and staying in relationship, even...

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Being Made Wrong

Jun 04, 2021

Have you ever forgotten to bring something when you’ve gone to an appointment? I know I have. Yet, there is something different inside our consciousness where we forget, or it’s like a part of us deliberately forgets. But we want to become conscious of it. So, how do we begin to bring what’s unconscious to our consciousness? 

I was working with someone the other day and they forgot to bring some of the paperwork that they were planning to bring to be able to get some support around some things. When they realized, and it was acknowledged and pointed out that it wasn’t here, that they didn’t have it, they immediately had a felt sense of deep sadness that went clear into despair. There was a really big reaction to that. 

So, we took time to slow down the process right there. Just slowing it down and calling a pause, to uncover what were the shadow beliefs that were underlying that deep sadness and despair. They discovered that they were tapping...

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Feeling Stuck and Worried

May 28, 2021

I got to work with somebody who was experiencing a lot of anxiety. Their anxiety had gotten so heightened in them that they were immobilized. They could feel a rumination inside of them where they were worrying, they felt anxious, they acknowledged that something just felt wrong, but they just couldn’t get clear on what it was.  

They were on edge, yet there was an immobility that was happening that was keeping them stuck. Keeping them worrying about things but not clear exactly on what was keeping them stuck. They were wondering, “what is wrong with me? Why is this happening?” and their adrenaline kept increasing. 

I want to acknowledge that when this happens, if we have anxiety as human beings, we don’t have clarity on which circuitry has been stimulated. We have different circuitry in our system that take care of us. But, the experience of anxiety we can tell the difference if it's because we are scared of something, or if it's because we are...

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When Life Feels Really Hard and Exhausting

May 21, 2021

Life can feel really hard, and it can feel extremely exhausting. I know in my life there have been times when I’m in that place, when I’m that uncomfortable, that it feels like others just won’t understand.  

Or, maybe it seems as if I’m being treated different because of my age, or my gender, or my job, or where I’m at. But there is some kind of a judgement that comes, and it feels like people don’t really know me. Or maybe for you it’s like people don’t even know how to have a conversation that’s real, rather than just surface. You can end up feeling sad underneath that, and all alone. 

For some of us, when we go down that slippery slope, it’s a balance between falling into a pretty severe depression or feeling a lot of anger. It’s kind of black and white.  

As I’ve worked with others, and myself, with this problem where life just feels so hard and so exhausting, what I’ve discovered is...

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It's The Final Straw!

May 14, 2021

Have you ever been really cranky? Maybe more than cranky. Maybe something happened and your day, or in relationship with others, and you flipped your lid and got really angry. I want to acknowledge right off the top that for me anger always represents that there are a whole lot of needs that are going unnoticed or unmet. Or both.  

I worked with a client the other day who was feeling really angry. Really cranky. The trigger was witnessing the inaction of others. They felt so angry about it, because what they saw as an inaction, the people in their life were being distracted by social media, by technology. They really like their computers or spending time with their friends which was triggering a lot of emotional dysregulation in their relationship with these people. What they noticed is that it was interrupting motivation, being empowered to be in full choice and experience shared reality. This trigger was really big for them.  

When I talk about a trigger, I’m...

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Are There Implications That I’m Not Doing or Being Enough?

May 07, 2021

Have you ever blamed somebody for something? Or, have you been on the receiving end of being blamed for something? Blame is a funny thing; on the surface it’s a way of making yourself or others wrong, so it can be used as a weapon. If we can blame someone else, then maybe we won’t have to take responsibility for something. If we can blame ourselves, maybe we can at least come up with a reason why something is the way it is. It must be my fault. This is the way we have been conditioned in our world; to use blame in this way; to imply wrongness in ourselves and others or to criticize.  

I did a little exploration with this in a small group, and I tend to look into my life with my relationship with my spouse because I spend the most time with him, and we have a very strong relationship of trust. When I do these explorations, I share them with him, and I receive his blessing before I share them with the world. But they are really about me, and what is happening in my...

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Are You Influenced By Other People's Choices?

Apr 30, 2021
I’d like to share with you a life lesson that I have just recently learned. What it’s around is noticing your own inner pattern of wanting to do what others do. You may not even be consciously aware of it in the moment, but be so influenced by other people’s choices that are in close proximity to, or that you are spending time with.
 
Recently I’ve noticed this in relationship with my husband. I found it fascinating, yet I had a sense that inside there was a quality like it was secretive; that it was like I was being sneaky about when I would make a choice if he didn’t make a choice. I found that just fascinating!
 
So, what I did was reach out to my long-term empathy buddy, and I got a little support around that. We all need support in our lives, we all need accompaniment.
 
Stepping into a container of warmth, care, and resonance, I was able to name this experience and discover that there was no shame or judgement –...
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