Today I’ve been spending some time thinking about how some of us might have the experience of being worried whether or not we matter. Maybe we’ve been close to other people in our lives and they go away for a while and we lose that connection that we’ve grown to count on. Then, when they start to come back, there’s an irritation that comes up inside.
You just get angry; you’ve missed them really bad and now they are coming back and you are worried. You are worried that since they’ve been gone so long, they are going to be tired, or maybe their schedule will fill up and there won’t be enough time for you.
Even thinking there’s going to be time for others, but there won’t be time for me. Maybe it’s that you believe you don’t matter enough. If you could just matter enough, then there would be time for you.
When this kind of a spiraling loop starts happening within us, that is unconscious, we can hear inner voices that get more and more dismal. They may get loud inside and drown out anything around us for connection to happen. They may scream some things that aren’t very nice at you, i.e. “That person’s not really your friend. You’re just not going to see that person again.” The shadows can feel so dark in the moment and start to multiply and your whole body can hurt. The mindset can be “I just don’t matter, and this is just too hard!” Maybe you find yourself holding your breath just to get through the day.
When we’ve been doing this work to reclaim our sense of self, and to retrieve those splinters of ourselves back into the wholeness that we are, maybe there is a new whisper that comes up. One that is doing it’s best to be compassionate, yet it’s slightly off. It wants to say things like, “Well, that’s not true. That person is your friend. You are going to see them again. You are not being very kind.”
That’s a transition from the first voice that’s quite adamant that no one’s your friend and that you don’t matter, you won’t see these people again and that you are just all alone. Yet, I want to bring in another voice.
It’s possible to develop a compassionate sense of self that can hear all these different kinds of voices that come up from our ‘ever-present-past’. They can be kind and they can be gentle as they make empathy guesses. “Are you really scared that it’s going to be different than you remember? And you really like predictability and ease in connection? Especially with those you love and care for, that you’ve learned you can count on? Are you needing to know you can count on these relationships and you can grow a bridge of trust from the inside out? So that it’s always here with you, coming out from your heart.
Maybe you are needing acknowledgement what it feels like in your body when it hurts so much that you are holding your breath to get through the day! Do you need some accompaniment right there, in the pain, to know through your experience that you are not alone after all? Because you matter so much!
Slowing it all down, slowing time down to be right where you are. Are you feeling sad, worried, and lonely? No wonder you feel angry! That’s so much to be holding all by yourself. No wonder you disconnect inside. Are you needing connections to be secure, reliable, and consistent? Does it feel so heavenly to feel your body relax and your breathing deepen down into your belly? For your throat to open and experience a little freedom to be who you really are?
I feel my body soften and relax with all of those guesses. To have the experience that you do make sense and you do matter. To have it be possible to stay present and self-connected, grounded to your Source energy and resource your body’s wisdom. Which empowers you to honestly express your truth about your experience and to have companionship on this journey of your life. That is possible.