Have you ever blamed somebody for something? Or, have you been on the receiving end of being blamed for something? Blame is a funny thing; on the surface it’s a way of making yourself or others wrong, so it can be used as a weapon. If we can blame someone else, then maybe we won’t have to take responsibility for something. If we can blame ourselves, maybe we can at least come up with a reason why something is the way it is. It must be my fault. This is the way we have been conditioned in our world; to use blame in this way; to imply wrongness in ourselves and others or to criticize.
I did a little exploration with this in a small group, and I tend to look into my life with my relationship with my spouse because I spend the most time with him, and we have a very strong relationship of trust. When I do these explorations, I share them with him, and I receive his blessing before I share them with the world. But they are really about me, and what is happening in my internal world, he’s just the lucky guy who gets to go along with me.
First, I wanted to identify my blaming statement, and what came up for me was, “He’s wrong because he goes out and he works at other people’s places and does work for other people and he’s not here doing projects for me. I want him to do a project here for me until it’s completed.”
So, when I’m thinking about him, I’m wondering, is he doing this intentionally or is he abdicating choice about it? I don’t believe he is doing this intentionally not to complete a project for me, I think he’s really busy and does it for a living and so he’s wanting to take care of his clients. He also likes to gift our adult children by building things for them.
When I take the time to sit with that, I wonder, what am I trying not to mourn? Or, what do I wish weren’t true? That slows me down a little. What I’m trying not to mourn is that I don’t get to have more time with him, and what I wish weren’t true is that there weren’t limited hours in the day so we could spend time together in the day more and more often.
Yet, when I think about, if this other person were actually choiceless, are there implications that I’m not doing or being enough? So, part of it is I could communicate more clearly, I could make clear requests and have more conversations for mutual understanding together. The truth of it is there is a part of me that was stuck in blame because when I could just on the surface look at it, then I could say, “Well, he’s just not doing it.” And it’s a way for me to take myself off the hook.
Yet, when I take responsibility for it, I’ve not been choiceless at this point, I’ve been unconscious. I haven’t been paying attention. When I take the time to really unpack it; what am I trying not to mourn? What do I wish weren’t true?
I wish it weren’t true that I didn’t pay attention. I wish it weren’t true that sometimes I go to a place of not thinking or feeling. I just get busy, to try and fill in the space. What that reveals to me is the beauty of the longing in my heart.
I long to live my life rooted and grounded in awareness, in aliveness, in fluidity and in the now. To really cherish each moment that I have with my husband and for there to be a reciprocal agreement around how we are choosing to use our time, and acknowledgement. That’s the beauty right here, acknowledgement of the beauty of the needs that we are intentionally meeting, by placing our attention and our time where we do.
Also, the beautiful longing to trust that there is enough time for everybody, and to enjoy each moment while we are in it. To savor them. I love each moment I have with him. He is a remarkable man.
This was quite a surprising experience and life lesson for me; how important it is to take the time to apply these life lessons in my life each day, and to speak about them openly and transparently with others. To invite others to begin to step into this way of living as well. Rooted and grounded in your roots of compassion, living life in full choice in relationship with life.